Happy Sorrow...

Yesterday my family went to visit my Dad at the nursing home. The facility is very nice, clean & the other people there look content & settled in. We had to stop at a little table & sign-in at a book. Then we went to the reception window to get directions to Dad's room.

We walked into Dad's room and there he was asleep in the wheel chair facing the corner. It looked like he had gotten his wheel chair wedged in between his bed and the wall near the bathroom & had just given up trying to free himself. It hurt my heart to see him sitting there alone stuck. I walked up to him & touched his arm & told him, "Hi Dad". It took a few seconds for him to respond to me but he eventually said, "Hi". The kids went up to him next and then Dad wanted Zack to turn him around so he could see us all. After much care my son got him freed and rolled him around facing us. He said hello to us all and sounded happy to see us all. Dad was surprised to see my husband there but happy to see him too.

My Dad has lost a lot of weight since I've seen him last, which hasn't been since Sept. 2010 for me. I've taken the kids to see him since my last visit but I hadn't visited with him because of the falling out with my mother. I am still angry with what she did and I am not ready to see her face to face right now. My Dad looks so fragile and weak.... that is the hardest thing to see and very heart breaking. But I am glad that I went in to visit with him.

We chatted with him for probably about an hour, he seemed a little bit out of it, or may be distracted thinking about other things. At least he didn't seem to be in any pain & that is a good thing. I cannot stand it when he is in pain and moaning. It makes me want to beat all the doctors & nurses up until they make my Dad feel better. Nothing makes me angrier than wondering why a person has to be suffering when they are IN the hospital, those nurses & doctors need to think a little about that cuz it so heart breaking to see!

I would like to take the kids out to visit with him every week - weather & road conditions being considered before making the trip in. I think it is very important for my kids to have as much time with my Dad as possible now that his time to go is getting nearer. They need to get their closure with him before he is gone.

My son isn't one to talk much about his feelings but I know my Dad means a LOT to him. My Dad was the only male role model for my son for about 10 years of his life. He lived with my parents from approximately 5 years to 15 years of age. I was an idiot when I was younger, won't go into the details here - that is for another blog later when I'm ready to write about it.

My daughter is angry and sad... she has been thinking about Grandpa not being here to see her get married & to meet (possible) great grand kids. The reality of him NOT being here later on is hitting her harder than I thought it would. I suppose because my Dad has also been a big male role model in her life too.

Here are a few photos that were taken while we visited...

I love my Dad! I will always try to be the eldest daughter he can be proud of & I hope that I have done that. Although I know we have butt heads MANY TIMES he IS STILL and ALWAYS be my daddy<3! I am not like my 2 sisters... at ALL and I am a strong willed person with my own values and morals. I am NOT the "standard" daughter most know & love and I suppose that is why my relationship with my parents is a roller coaster ride at best. But whether we are talking or not I hope they both know that I love them and I am thankful for everything they've done for me & given me. We were raised differently back then compared to how things are done now... but we all survived and we are who we are because of that...

The Simple Woman's Daybook ~ February 02, 2011

This is a new activity I found on Facebook & I have decided to give it a try...

FOR TODAY ~ Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Outside my window... calmer winds, our horses & llamas out and about in the pastures, relief from the arctic frigid temps of the -41*F we experienced yesterday.

I am thinking... I should do a bit of cleaning around the house since it is still too cold to spend any time outdoors.

I am thankful for... my daughter, Johannes & my son, Zachary, they are amazing kids I am very proud of!

From the kitchen... I can still see traces of last nights big meal I made for dinner. It was so miserably cold I wanted to make a "stick-to-your-ribs" home cooked meal we could pig out on so we'd get a good nights rest. When it is THAT cold out it is extremely exhausting!

I am wearing... black/maroon striped casual pants & a brown/cream long sleeved t-shirt, I am not going to be going out any where so these will be nice & comfy.

I am creating... a more up beat attitude cuz I've been so upset, angry & sad the past few days.

I am going... to try to give the things I have no control over & cannot change to God so I can focus on being happier myself.

I am reading... nothing consistently at the moment cuz I'm always distracted with other things going on around here.

I am hoping... my daddy makes a miracle recovery since he had surgery yesterday. Although we haven't been close for the past few months I am not ready for him to move on.

I am hearing... sadness in my kids voices cuz of my Dad's health right now.

Around the house... making plans in my head as to what rooms I want to remove the old 10+ year old carpeting in first, get some vinyl down that will be so much easier to keep clean and much healthier for us since the dirt won't be trapped in the house.

One of my favorite things... is the warmth & happiness I feel from our Chihuahuas when I sit in the middle of them and they climb all over me wanting my affection.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Get more details and information from Chris about the new business, Your Day , she is starting up and get busy getting it "known". Hopefully we'll be able to get together for a meeting & get things really going!

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

This is my daddy! This photo was taken last year at the 50th Anniversary Party we had for them at "Country Buffet".

If you want to participate in the Daybook also go to her BLOG and get started, The Simple Woman's Daybook Click the link

Ground Hog Day

Today, February 02, 2011 is a GREAT day!!! First thing I saw on the morning news this morning was that Mr. Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow so we will get an EARLY SPRING! What a wonderful thing to hear when we've been experiencing this arctic frigid temps for the past day, -41*F with the wind chill is NOT anything I want to experience any time soon AGAIN!

March 21, 2011 will be the 1st day of SPRING!!! YAY!!!

More than I can handle...

They say bad things happen in 3's but lately I've been counting & I can tell ya it has been a hell of a LOT more than THREE things! I have the "rockiness" of my marriage once again.... my Dad's health is really in a downward spiral dive... my mother is a FUCKING BITCH and being an ass to my daughter... am trying to find forever homes for the horses & llamas so our feed bill will be reduced and haven't had any one follow through with their inquiries, the furnace keeps being blown out by the wind gusts and it is -41*F with the wind chill today! What the hell else can happen? How many things have to be thrown at me before I "pass this test" or before I snap and do something not nice to somebody that just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time???

Tomorrow is Ground Hog Day and I pray that we do NOT get 6 more weeks of Winter cuz I don't know if I can handle these insane arctic temps for another 6 weeks.

I've decided I am NOT going to pretend my world is peachy keen happy any more.... I'm sick and tired of pretending to be happy. Watch out world cuz I'm going to join the others who vent and go on about how shitty their life is... what is the saying... "FML", yup Fuck My Life!!!

Karma is a BITCH and what comes around goes around!

PS: Thanks to all my friends (real friends) that have been here for support at my lowest times. You always know when I am miserable. I love you more than you know!<3

Welcome Home...

Jax & Nitro are here! We left Saturday, January 15, 2011 at 5:00 a.m. MST for Lincoln, Nebraska. We arrived at Wendy's around 2:45 p.m. CST & David, Dawn & Kenzie Ohm were waiting there for us with Jax & Nitro! We did our hugs, hello's & handshakes AND got to meet itty bitty Ninja & the infamous Dollar too! Very easy to see why they are keeping those 2 gorgeous pups for their own! I am soooooo excited I FINALLY got to meet Dawn! We visited, ate lunch, went over & finalized all the paperwork for the boys. Dawn made up wonderful puppy packs for each of the boys with their birth certificates, photo CD, handmade hand tied fleece blankets & tug toys, squeaky toys, some of current food so they can be smoothly transitioned to our food without getting too upset. One of the gals that worked at Wendy's wanted to see the puppies so Dawn showed her and she told us we'd better get the heck out of there because they were expecting 3 days of snow to start that evening.... so we said our goodbyes & headed back out. The weather really wasn't too bad for it being mid January but it sure was an extremely looooong trip!!! It was an 8 hour trip & about 515 miles ONE WAY but it was worth it cuz we have our new boys Jax & Nitro home with us now.

Thank you David & Dawn of Ohm Northwood Chihuahuas for blessing our family with these two wonderful boys!

My Dog Lives In This House

My dog lives in this house. You are welcome to come and visit me anytime but we have a few things that you must understand before you visit. You must expect a few dog hairs to stick to your clothes. I vacuum and clean, but my dog lives here too.

You may be leaned on and find him in your lap a few times but he does this because he loves people and wants to say Hello. So if you feel that you are too good for his love then you are not welcomed here because this is his home too.
My dog is well mannered and very clean but if you are one of those people who think all animals are dirty and smell, then go away. You are not the type of person that I care to assoiciate with. If you dont like the sound of barking, then my home is not going to be a comfortable place for you to visit.

Do not expect me to lock my dog in another room during your visit. I have trained my dog well so he will not do anything to you except maybe want a pat on the head. I will not subject him to feel as if he is being punished by locking him away for no reason. That would be cruel. When you walk into my home, be careful not to trip on a stuffed toy or ball. These are my dogs treasures and I will not take them away from him just to show you that I keep a clean house. He knows where all his toys are. They may not look like much to you, but to him, they are worth more than gold.

You see, this is OUR home. We have been together since he was a small puppy scampering around the house. I raised him into a well mannered, beautifully behaved dog.

I am proud of him. I consider him my personal gift from GOD. He has done nothing but give me his endless love and devotion for many years. I love him dearly and want to make his years happy ones. As happy as he made mine.
When I was sick, he stayed right by my side, as I did his when he is not having a good day. A better friend I could not ask for.

When no one else cared, my dog did. He has given me nothing but pure joy and I love him endlessly. So please understand that I am not being rude. I'm just looking out for my best friend.

- - - - - - - - Author Unknown

This is a photo of 5 of our dogs, we have more but how many you may wonder... does it really matter? Nope not to us!