One Day At a Time...

It is Oct. 23, 2011 - Donnie came home on August 23, 2011 because a warrant went active on him. We did some research to find out what S.O. was going to arrest him for, then we gathered the monies and went to Bobby Brown Bail Bonds to post his bond. When that was done I drove him to the jail and he turned himself in. It took a few hours but he was bonded out because we took care of all that prior to him turning himself in and he came home to me. Donnie was gone from July 21, 2011 to August 23, 2011 to do whatever the hell he wanted with whoever he wanted to do it with. He was not accountable for anything he did... and he did a LOT! Specially to myself and my kids. It was horrid and I thought I would not survive it. I forgave Donnie for the things that he did but to this day I still cannot forget. When I am pissed off at him everything comes out and I throw it back in his face! I am so shocked and sick to my stomach over it that I can cry uncontrollably at the drop of a hat over it all. I did things that I NEVER imagined he would do and I still am trying to understand why??? He went against every ounce of morals and values that he has and he did things with a 16 year old girl that at one time was my daughters BEST FRIEND! I can honestly say that Donnie is the ONLY man in my life that I can say honestly BROKE MY HEART! I still hurt am so scared to give all of myself to him for fear he will finish off my heart and disappear. I want so much to be able to turn back the clock to BEFORE he ever met that bitch, Bridget! She is the root of ALL evil and has truly screwed up her kids teaching them the evil things she does so well. But Karma is a bitch and it WILL catch up to her and I pray she will pay for everything she has EVER done to any one. I know since Donnie left them and came home that she has already lined up another victim to take his place.
This entire thing has changed Donnie, he isn't the same "Golden man" I married years ago. Because of all the hurt he has done to me and my kids we are also different, we will never be the same again. Hopefully it will prevent any of us from being hurt like this again. I was a very trusting person and believed everything Donnie said, it was the truth because he told me... I have since learned of a LOT of lies that I thought were truths but they are not. To this day he still tells lies and when I learn of the truth it tears more at my heart. Sometimes I wish I were dead so I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt and pain but I have kids that need me now. My kids keep me grounded, when I'm upset I think of them and it stops me from doing stupid things so they are my heroes.
I don't know if Donnie and I will make it or not... I'm taking one day at a time.

Month from Hell

Today starts month two of it just being myself & my daughter. We have been close to the bottom of the barrel and are fighting like hell to claw our way out. I haven't been able to afford everything and things have been extremely tough. We have sacrificed just about everything that meant anything to us on this ranch... along with the ranch that is in foreclosure. My "dream" of living on a ranch out in the country has just about come to an end now. I've got a job finally and I have a very dear friend to thank for all the help she's given us, Chris. When things get horridly bad I am finding out who my "REAL" friends are and who I can get support from without feeling ashamed or judged. I can count them on one hand. Why is it when your are down some people are so cruel rather than be positive? I am rediscovering who I am and what I want. I will NOT settle any more, ever again! My kids and myself will be the #1 priority... if he can't put us at THE TOP then he won't be a part of our lives. I am so exhausted both mentally and emotionally, I don't even want to get out of bed any more. I wish I could turn back the clock... would I repeat the same things that lead me to this place of sorrow and grief? Love is hard... I've given my heart and soul to this man I thought was my best friend. DRUGS are EVIL! My loving, caring, handsome husband became a monster in every sense of the world to me and my kids. I don't know if I can forgive some of the things he's done but still... I love him with all my heart. I miss him horribly and want to feel his touch again. My heart is broken and I don't know if it will EVER heal from this. I don't like these feelings of hate and anger, there are not any people I can say that I honestly despise but that entire family is at the top of list. I can work through my hurt and anger at my husband eventually I think... but the trust has been destroyed. I want to start fresh, new town, new home, new life; there are too many bad memories tied to this ranch now to stay. It is a place of sorrow and that is not a home, it's a tomb that I need to break out of. My kids deserve there Mom back and we all deserve to be truly happy and feel safe in our home. I love you Donnie with every ounce of my soul and if you do get to come home and not end up in prison I will work to rebuild our life together but if you end up in prison I will not wait again. I spent many years waiting for you and justifying my relationship with you to others. I shouldn't have to do that... but my love for you is so intense, even after all these years. We deserve RESPECT from you after everything you've put us through these horrid months, NOW it is your turn to prove how much you LOVE us! I believe in my marriage vows; in sickness and in health til death do us part.
http://youtu.be/jxylQjyw9Vw

Crested Geckos

I have become very fond of Crested Geckos! I have 3 of them so far...

"WILLY", he is an orange Tiger Morph Crested Gecko

"FURY", a Red Harlequin Crested Gecko, unknown sex, juvi

"CRIMSON", a Red Harlequin Crested Gecko, unknown sex, juvi

I am also getting 2 new additions this weekend!!! I will post pictures once they are home with us!



Crested Gecko Care Sheet

Happy 76th birthday Daddy

On March 11, 2011 my daddy celebrated his 76th birthday! It was a bittersweet party knowing that this will be the last birthday we celebrate with him. You see ... he has less than six months to live as his body/organs are slowly shutting down.

This is an emotionally hard time for us all. He has his good days where he looks great and is in high spirits then he has a bad day where he isn't feeling well, looks very pale & fragile and just seems very sad. I think the hardest part for me is admitting to myself that I am not ready for him to not be in my life. That there will come a time when I will call and he will not answer the phone. That I will go visit and he will not be there to see.

He has been moved to another nursing home, this is the second one, and he is not very happy there because he has a room mate and the room is very small. I am hoping that my mom will be able to get him into another room without a room mate until a private room becomes available. It is hard to visit and chat when there is a "stranger" on the other side of the room listening to everything that is said. Nothing against this man but it makes visits awkward I think and the last thing I want is to feel uncomfortable visiting my dad during his last days here.

My wish... to make my Dad not hurt. The hardest part, and the part that makes me angry is when my Dad hurts and there is nothing that can be done about it. I get angry at the nurses for not "fixing" it... it doesn't make any sense to me to be in a nursing home with all these nurses around and they can't do a damn thing about pain!!! I suppose that is what makes it easier to deal with his death... that he will not suffer and hurt any more but still... I WANT MY DADDY! Even though we were not real close while I was growing up I still want my Dad here!

I have many friends that do not have their parents here any more... I never could relate to how they felt but now I can now that my Dad will be gone! I know that we don't always agree and/or get along with our parents but life really is too short to let little things stop you from loving and spending time with your parents. Before you know it they are gone...

I love you Anarchy

Sadly on March 1, 2011 we made the extremely hard decision to have Anarchy euthanized. It was discovered that he had a cleft palate & every time he was fed he would get liquid into his lungs, his weight was dropping fast & he was just existing. I loved him dearly & he stole my heart instantly, I still cannot think or talk about him without tears rolling down my cheeks. He was a very special puppy and I will forever hold him in my heart! Love you little man always & forever!

Stella X Marley Litter

We were blessed on Saturday, February 19, 2011 with 3 male puppies! Welcome to the world boys!

The 1st male was born at 3:02 pm, weighed in at 6.4 oz. and is chocolate merle with white on his chest. The 2nd male was breech & born at 4:35 pm, weighed in at 5.6 oz and is a chocolate merle with white on his chest. The 3rd male was born at 6:20 pm, weighed in at 5.3 oz and is blue with a little white on his chest and white on 2 toes of his right rear foot.

We thought long and hard about names for them and finally decided after much thought... #1 is "Chaos", #2 is "Havoc" & #3 is "Anarchy". Stella & Marley made very handsome pups! I am very pleased with their colors & patterns and still floating on air!

Will be fun to see how they mature!