Month from Hell

Today starts month two of it just being myself & my daughter. We have been close to the bottom of the barrel and are fighting like hell to claw our way out. I haven't been able to afford everything and things have been extremely tough. We have sacrificed just about everything that meant anything to us on this ranch... along with the ranch that is in foreclosure. My "dream" of living on a ranch out in the country has just about come to an end now. I've got a job finally and I have a very dear friend to thank for all the help she's given us, Chris. When things get horridly bad I am finding out who my "REAL" friends are and who I can get support from without feeling ashamed or judged. I can count them on one hand. Why is it when your are down some people are so cruel rather than be positive? I am rediscovering who I am and what I want. I will NOT settle any more, ever again! My kids and myself will be the #1 priority... if he can't put us at THE TOP then he won't be a part of our lives. I am so exhausted both mentally and emotionally, I don't even want to get out of bed any more. I wish I could turn back the clock... would I repeat the same things that lead me to this place of sorrow and grief? Love is hard... I've given my heart and soul to this man I thought was my best friend. DRUGS are EVIL! My loving, caring, handsome husband became a monster in every sense of the world to me and my kids. I don't know if I can forgive some of the things he's done but still... I love him with all my heart. I miss him horribly and want to feel his touch again. My heart is broken and I don't know if it will EVER heal from this. I don't like these feelings of hate and anger, there are not any people I can say that I honestly despise but that entire family is at the top of list. I can work through my hurt and anger at my husband eventually I think... but the trust has been destroyed. I want to start fresh, new town, new home, new life; there are too many bad memories tied to this ranch now to stay. It is a place of sorrow and that is not a home, it's a tomb that I need to break out of. My kids deserve there Mom back and we all deserve to be truly happy and feel safe in our home. I love you Donnie with every ounce of my soul and if you do get to come home and not end up in prison I will work to rebuild our life together but if you end up in prison I will not wait again. I spent many years waiting for you and justifying my relationship with you to others. I shouldn't have to do that... but my love for you is so intense, even after all these years. We deserve RESPECT from you after everything you've put us through these horrid months, NOW it is your turn to prove how much you LOVE us! I believe in my marriage vows; in sickness and in health til death do us part.
http://youtu.be/jxylQjyw9Vw